❄ 2014 - New year's resolutions ❄

So like in every year I made again new year resolutions. I dont mean that it is sooo serious. But I like set p new goals. And trying to achieve them.

revising 2013 new year's resoltions.

1. I quit artificial sweeteners  ✔
Yes! I did it. I dont use any kind of artificial sweeteners.  (Except if I can have sweeteners I go for it, but in every other cases, I use nothing or a tiny bit sugar) 


2. I will cook more often ✘
Well.. I was cooking, but not more than in the previous year. I kinda stayed on the same level. Shame. 


3. Dream Bigger ✔Definitely passed. I can't now come up with any example, but I feel I am more than I used to be. 



4. Go to gym at last 100 times.  ✔I did. I dont mean that I was IN the gym 100 times. But if I count the times that I have been working out, and have been jogging or cycling. Yep. Passed. 

5. Be more creative ✘
Naaaah I dont know. I was and I wasn't. But after all. Iwould say. I could have been much more creative. Failed.... 


6. Write 10 monthly goals. ✔I gues I dont have to explain it. I did. Maybe not like a list. But in mind I have more than 10 goals any way. 


8. Believe in myself ✔Yes. If I want it. I can do it.


9. Go to Church at last once in 3 months ✘
 I failed. I can't help.  I believe if I wanna be close to my own God I dont have to go to church because God is everywhere. And I have my own desciplines. I dont like practice one particular religion. I find those values in each that I need in order to be a better person. 


10. The last one: Lenin said long time before: Учиться, учиться и еще раз учиться!!!  ✔

life lessons and christmas

I was thinking about what I learnt in 2013. I know I was talking abut it at the previous post, but there is one more thing that I think I learned.

I have to accept the things as they are. I used to forced everything to be the way I want it to be. I pushed everything and I put way to much energy in things I was not supposed to. I cried several times just because I had no the power to change those things that I could not get.
But by now I understand that even if they not the way I want them to be, they all taught me their lesson. And I learned every single time something.

And if I didn't get what I wanted, I always get something else. There were always people who teached me how to be stronger, how to forget easily, how to hide my emotions, how to show them, how to cry in someone else's shoulder, how to stay proud even if im hurt and how to be myself. That my silly personality can be loveable. And that how to act and how to hide my thoughts. How to hide my emotions and how to release them.

I believe I still have a lot of things to do. It's like sometimes I am realising how boring my life is. That I wanna do some big thing. Or I wanna do something big that satisfy my creativity. I know how hard I have to work untill I will be the person who I want to be. I dont wanna see the things as they are. And I couldn't see them anyway. My friends used to say I am like who is enchanted. And im like who has just
walked out of an enchanted world and I am still wondering where I am.

At these times I can say, that I am happy. I think I haven't felt that balanced as I am.... since 4 years. I started again working out. I will bring back this into my life in a daily basic. I will do again yoga and I will start running again.
You know the feeling when you have so much energy and inspiration in your mind that you feel like you are going to explode?
This is exactly how I feel.



About Christmas............
As I have already mentioned a year ago.. (read back if interested) I hate christmas. I stopped celebrating when I was 14.... since it is supposed to be a family holiday. Or something like that. Of course I wanna bring back to my life this beautiful holiday. But this yeas somehow I didn't get the christmas spirit. I was working both days. And I am very happy about that because this made me forget this whole suff. Maybe next year. I dont wanna force it to be honest because I can have a christmas tree, I can have presents, I can buy christmas decorations. They worth nothing if I fake the happiness. And they give nothing if I dont have anybody to share with. Right?
However some people wished me merry christmas, and those people made my day. And put a smile on my face. And I am really very thankful for them that they reminded me it is still christmas even if I better closing my eyes and pretend its a normal day.
Not suprisingly no one of my family called me or wished me merry chirstmas (expect my grandma. I talk to her a lot). I didn't expected. Or maybe somewhere deep inside my heart I hoped.

However! I still LOVE christmas cookies. So of course I made. Come on.. Who doesn't like christmas cookies?

what 2013 taught me

Every single time when I actually decide to write I have no idea what I was about to write about. I might wanna write this time what I learned. Or better say. What 2013 teached me. Because It did teach me a lot of things. I might can't value them now. Or...

If I remember of the days when my life was not the best. I thought in that moment, I can't make it. I can't take it any more. But by now. Looking back to those times I am realizing I could not be the person who I am now if those things were never happen to me.
The most suicidal people are the strongest one. If they overcame against their biggest fear. And overcame those dark thoughts which were popping up every now and then, every single day... Then They can overcame everything in life. Right?

I choose to grow up. I choose to be the person I probably have always been. When we are little girls are we the person that we are going to be?  Or are we just the root of those persons that we are able to be. or what we are capable of.

When I was a child. I was so so so shy. I was crying every single time when  I was left in the nursery. I was crying every single time I saw my mom leaving. I was the kind of girl who has only one very best friend.  I was the one who was crying if my mom didn't pick me up in time and I was the one who never ever slept with the others but waiting for the time passing by.

I always asked those questions that I feared to answer. I kept asking my mom when I will have to be without my family. When will I have to move away and be a grown up woman. Isn't it strange that these questions wasn't even a very long while ago? And by now I feels just the same strange to be with my family as well as it felt scary to be without them.




 In this year I learned how much a life can change. I learned the more you are worth the more you value yourself. And the more others will value you, the more you show respect towards others and the less you let others look into your thoughts.

And I think I learned how it feels like to be respected by a man. And how it feels like to respect a man. And how it feels like to be "liked".  I learned how to put my trust in someone.
You never know how much someone means to you as long as you didn't risk losing that person.
Losing because of an accident, or losing because of someone else, or losing because of your silliness.




I couldn't help but wonder is it so easy to realise how much you dont care about someone anymore? The person that you used to care about so much. How is it possible to reverse those feelings which you thought you could never do?

2014 is coming. I wanna lead a whole new lifestyle. I have actually just selected my clothes that I wear, and those whi
ch in my closet but never ever wear. Well I have to admit, It was terribly hard to get rid of my clothes. I like keep everything. And never throw anything away. But by the end I had just so few wearable clothes remained. So I think I will start the new year refreshing not only my closet but also myself.

I wanna be that kind of woman that others follow. Follow because of my values, for my  follow because of the long hair I have. Follow for my moral, for myself. Follow because of my charm. For my motivations, and determination. Or because of the hot guys I could have. muhaha.

When I was young I hated when others did everything exactly the same way as I did. Wear the same kind of clothes. Wear the same hairstyle. Wear the same makeup.
By now I realised how much I want to be the person who I use to hate to be. It's not about what you wear. Or what you say or what you make. It is about the way how you wear. How you say or how you make. Right?

In 2013 I also learned that those people who are meant to be in your life. No matter what happens, always find a way to fill that place in your heart. Will find a way to find you, and will find the way to reunion. But I guess this lesson is still waiting for to be learned. And I am still getting those lessons. It is so unfinished. How far can we go to keep something happening?

dream of a dream

We dont like trying out new things because we are afraid of getting addicted. We dont like risking of losing something that we have got before. We dont like take any steps to the nowhere, where we can't really know what to expect.
I couldn't help but wonder. Is love one of those addictive things that we fear to try?

I hear so many bad things. 2 of my friend just broke up. And they thought everything is okay. Then another of my friend was talking to me about her relationship. Thinking about breaking up.
They are way too much feelings to my wounded several-times-harmed heart. I worry way too much than I am supposed to.

No matter if you are happy or not. No matter if you are loved in return or not. And no matter how much you give while you dont expecting anything in back. Love hurts anyway.


About me nowadays.,,, Exam period is coming. I have 2 final in the week. One of them is a mistake..... I missed the deregister time. Grattis to myself. Anyway I can do it. Because Im gonna try. And Im gonna pass. of course. (fingers crossed)

I am truly thinking about the tattoo. I think I gave myself enough time (a year) to make myself sure this is what I want. I dont wanna tattoo because it is cool and I dont want to show it off. It represents something more to me.

Probably I wont celebrate christmas this year either. I think I am still not ready. Maybe the next year. But at the moment I so dont have the merry christas feeling. No no no.Not  at all.

I miss being creative. I actually miss reading a book. Or drawing (like learn how to draw a proper face)
. To be honest I dont even know what I want to do at the moment. I just feel like something is so not okay around me. I feel stupid. Will I ever be tired of this life? I wish I could move away. Will I ever think? :this is the life I want to live. ?

lessons

I believe everybody can be happy one day. But if I try to describe happiness, I am not sure I can. I am afraid of facing the reality. Or to see the worse part of the positive things. Lately I haven't post because I wasn't really inspired. However as I walk alone I have so many thoughts. And when it comes to put 'em down. I just simply have no idea how to. If I start writing I start thinking. If I start thinking, I start being spechless. Does it happen with anyone else?

The past one week life was so rough to me. And yesterday I think I got the last drop in my glass. Whenever I think I am strong enough, I realise. I can never be ready for those lessons that life will give me throughout my life. Everything happens for a reason andnot by chance or by mean of good luck. It's just really hard to find the lesson among the pain or happiness

it can give.         
I just wanted to give up on living for a very little while. Nononono. I dont mean to give up on life. Just give up on living. Give up on trying to meet my own rules.  To seem to be smart. To study. To pretend I am normal.

If I could probably I would just buy an awesome camera and take as many photos as much I can. Take huge walks. Buy a horse and be away. Get a car and pull over in the middle of nowhere. Watch the stars. Or draw the nature.
A couple of days ago, I couldn't sleep at night and when I checked outside, suprisingly I saw all the stars. I couldn't help but wonder. Is there anybody out there having the same feelings I have?

Why nowadays life is all about "what-you-have?" - related? Why count the family? Why is the past important? Every-now and then I may think I could leave my past behind. But sometimes, somehow... It has its own way of catching up to me.  

might have beens

Can we accept someone if our friends wont accept? If I liked someone but my friends dont like that person. Would I stay next to him, and care not about the others?  Or would I leave him?

In my life there were a lot lot of might-have-beens. I can't help but wonder, why did not those might-have-beens work out? Why weren't they supposed to be?
I did care about them, and spent way too much energy than I was supposed to . And still, all I got was nothing but a good lesson.
However now im looking back, and... Yet I dont understand the reasons, I have to admit. It was not meant to be. Yet I dont understand how come I didn't get anything. I know everything that I could give, I have given it all.

I would probably never care if my friends doesn't like my choosen one. I put love above of everything. But would the guy care about it?
Sometimes I wonder when I see a picture, I cant help but I picture myself with 'em. And then.. nononono... I will never belong to those ppl. It's just obvious.Way too many shits behind.

unperfect

Most of the time, I have a lot to say. A lot in mind. And when I sit down, and try to put 'em in words. I just dont really know how to start. Or where shall I begin.

There are several ways how should pretty girls act in a relationship. There are 2 kind of boys. One of them wanna have a perfect girlfriend. With a perfect eyes, perfect hair, perfect skin. The other kind of guy wan't to have a perfect girl, with all the unperfections she got. The say 'I have a perfect girl, who needs to take a shower everyday, she has to brush teeth, and have to shave legs.  and there are times when she prefer wearing an old teared cloth. '

I cant help but wonder, when it comes to dating. Is it important to look good? Is the outer beauty more important than the inner beauty or does the past effect them? Can we relate the inner beauty to the past? Or cant have a present untill the past is not cleared up?

I have met both the 2 type of 'species'. How I feel about it? If the first type of guy walks up, I had no idea what I can say, or how shall I act. Where is the limit?
If I meet with the second type of guy, I dont even have to think what I wear or how I act if its still the 2 of us. I know he will like me, no matter what.

Womans need a man to make them believe they are pretty. And not the opposite. Who needs a man whom we have to make believe, we are perfect?
I believe that would be a scenario more than a real thing.

those butterflies

When it comes to love. When will we know we found the one we were looking for? When will we feel that he is the one we need?

We all looking for something special .To feel that something. Those butterflies in the stomach That happiness that cames for nowhere. Those moments when we can't say anything at all. Just smile, and talk about nothing. Or talk no at all.

I can't help but wonder. Are we supposed to feel those prickles, or we should just give up on waiting for the big great love, and be okay with the "fine" or in worse case the "good enough" love.

I am asking myself   "was I drunk for a year?". Or was I that desparately looking for love so I could not get the right track? Maybe it didn't work for reasons. Maybe it was not meant to be. Or maybe it's just not the right timing.

We offer each other friendship without knowing what happens in the other. And we accept it, without knowing the reasons.
We offer sex without knowing what it means to the other. And we accept it secretly hoping for more.

I cant help wondering what destroys the love before it could have born. Would be the sex the barrier. Or the time that we fail to give?

life is balanced

I dont wanna change NEVER. this is me. Even if I will be 30 year old. I wanna be exactly the same person. I have many faces.

I have realised I can't wear the same costume in all the roles I play in life. I dont say that none of them is me, because however I act, I know it's me. If I would act differently in a certain situation, I would feel... this girl is not me.

I am still learning how to make balance in my working, university and personal life. I still learn how to be in all of them the best. How to chill, study, and work in the same time. 

The past weeks I realised that it was not me the reason why my relationships with boys didnt work. It's because I always was picked by the wrong man. The last time I felt like everything could work. I felt like we could have something. But then boom. all of a sudden.. it disappeared.

Nowdays Im getting know a lot of new people. And I am realising how few people I know. And how many nice, loveable, sweet guys are out there.I am not late. I can build up something special with someone else. 

Before... I could not help but wondering what was wrong with me.
Then I realised it's not me.
Absofuckinglutely  

i choose to be happy

yaay I am happy Just  little bit update. I wasn't really write any post because...
1 nothing ever happened
2 I was bored
3 I was kinda blue

But the past like 1 week I am sooo happy. And indeed now that I know I am healthy! Because I asked for a test that checks my healthI believed I am, but when you actually see on paper that it's "negative", it feels the best! I will make more tests about my health, because I will change a bit, so I need to know if im alright. But this thing to decide kept me like a month. I am afraid of doctors, or rather i afraid if I get to know something ....in case it's not what I want to know.....

I feel like I live a healthy life. I have never smoked, I drink healthy level of alcohol, I workout and I eat clean. And also study. What else could I do for myself?
The past 2 months I tried to reduce my sugar intake to the lowest level, by now I drink even the coffee with no sugar. I can say no for chocolate (since I LOVE chocolate, it was one of the hardest thing).


And now I feel enough motivation to go to gym again. I started going exercises a month ago at my place, and stretching. I love the fact that Im improving... And also I have decided to go iceskating every weekend for an hour long. It's a fun thing to do even if no one will be my company. I could do it forever. I actually love inline skating but in this city it would be a suicide.


well I guess it's pretty much about me. I am still doing my driver licence. To be perfectly honest I didn't really care about it, because as I mentioned I was kinda blue. And I wasnt that motivated about it. But now I wanna get done with this.


Boys? Nope. ......Go away Heart, you are drunk. You never see things realistically. 

if you had a child, what would you make them study?

Me and my friend talk a looooot. I really like her, she knows me as I am. And we like talking about EVERYTHING. It's like she comes home. She is upset. I am upset. And we talk, and by the end of the conversation, we laugh, and have nothing problem

one of a todays topic..

- if you had a child, what would you make them study?  

We agreed something smart thing and I think it wold be important that is important for the sociaty or benefits it. Sure. 

I have never been pushed to study. Which is fine. Because I never needed. But if I will have a baby, I wanna guide them making decisions without feeling forced.
And if in life happens that I meet with a guy who have the same thoughts as I have and also as determined as I am, it will be a plus gift to me.

I was planing to write a family tree, because it would be nice, but it is impossible. I have so small family. I dont know about the 70% of my family. Would take forever to figure out. But I think I will give it a try. Maybe one day I can pass it through. And even if I will be away from family, my descendants will know who to look for.
I know it because I know I have quite close relatives in Belgium and I dont know maybe in France too. But I can't find them. I have nothing to start with.

Erste Hilfe? will umziehen!

Nun denn! Ich habe mich dazu entschlossen, mein Blog in Deutsch zu schreiben denn ich muss übungen. Wahrscheinlich mache ich viele Fehler, so es tut mir leid...
Naja, es geht mir gut, aber es is hier zu warm. Ich will studieren oder trainieren, aber ich kann es einfach nicht machen.
Ich habe tatsächlich Deutsch lernen gestartet. Es ist mir durchaus ernst damit.  Jaaaaa aber warum jetzt? Einfach... Ich möchte nach einer anderen Stadt umziehen. Aber ich benötige unbedingt eine Zertificate. Ich könnte einen Job leichter bekommen, wenn ich mehrere Fremdsprachen wissen würde.  Wir werden sehen wie es geht...

Plus! Ich wird mit einem wunderschönen deutschen Mädchen  leben! Jaaaaj Ich freue mich sehr!

Ich habe meinen Führerschein gestartet. Es ist nicht schwer. Ich drove noch nicht, nur mache eine Kurs über Erste Hilfe. Es interessiert mich! Wie für die Menschen zu helfen wenn sie meine Hilfe brauchen. Doch bin ich nicht sicher, ob ich die rechte Hilfe wäre. Zu viel Blut? Neeeein. Ich bin zu schwach!
Ich wunsche das ich machen könnte, denn es ist eine sehr herrlichen Beruf.... Leben zu retten und frag nichts zurück!

Save a life

I know this post is not going to be about me, or life, or anythng, I just felt like I wanna  show because what I experience, I feel like to show it's not fatal.

So this video is about a very sick dog. And I just wanna let everybody know that if someone touch an ill creature, it's not fatal. I usually hear a lot of ppl saying, when I wanna touch or give food a sick animal, that "iiooooou dont touch it, you might get something, leave it as it is!" And I never really understood why.

How is it possible to ignore something, that needs help?

I admit, when I was a little girl, my parents always told me, do not touch sick or ill animals.do not touch anything that might look unhealthy. But I have grown up, and I can (and everybody) can take their own responsibility.

again

I have been home again. I met with my fathers girlfrind, nd with my sisters boyfriends family. And also met my little step-siblings. They changed a lot. I havent seen them since 3 years. They didnt remember me. And they chaned a LOT. It was strange.


 I missed the children, i tried to talk with them. I tried to ask them "do you still remember of me?" But they didnt. They knew i am my fathers child, but they don't remember how much time we spent together. It was painful to hear, and made me realize i am no one anymore for them. Maybe if their mother didn't forbid me to see them, i wouldn't walk out of their life. The 2 smaller one were with me a lot. When they left, the smallest one even ran up to me, and gave me a huge hug and kiss. And i melted. And i realized while it was for me only 3 years, and i remember how i kept them in my arms, for them.... it was a chapter in their life. Which is over for ever.


The past weeks I had 2 horrible experience. .So i am not that well. today and this week was a festival, but I just cant make it.  I dont feel like screaming, and drinking. And dont feel like laugh. I just went walking with a friend, and have a drink in a coffeebar. talking. chilling.but i dont know yet. i am already dressed up, made make up. and everything. I just need some GET THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR ROOM!!!!!!!! or something like that
My flatmate said. " You have acted exactly the same at the previous time. I remember. And now you dont give a shit about that guy.  So dont worry.  "  haha this actually made my day.

The matter of spontanity

I was supposed to sleep, but still the only one thing that was spinning around my thoughts was: is it really that simple? 

I closed all my doors, and didn't opened it.  Yes it was a metafora. I didn't know how to handle these kind of things. Dating. Why is it something that a lot of ppl get so excited about? Why we all picture it as a most perfect meet up we will ever experience? In case it will turn into a nightmare, it is just experienced as a 'not meant to be'-thing.

The past weeks i have been taught: the matter of spontaneity. If everything is supposed to be spontaneous, why i would exactly know what is going to happen? Isn't it something that is supposed to be in an unexpected way? 

And a lot of girls question. When do i turn into a slut. Getting lead with someone comes in hands with the expectation of losing the feeling being respected? Or it is just a rumor spreading across the girls, get sick of this rumor, and then get healthy again. After months or -in worse case- years. 

Expectation leads to the biggest mistakes ever. Expect  THE  perfect Guy.  Expect THE  perfect kiss. Expect THE   perfect date and expect THE   perfect sex. 

Can it really screw up something that we just rather pretend as it never happened or is it a sign of letting know: something is not supposed to happen. Unless it is spontaneous. 

Repetitive

This was the very first time that i felt, this is my home. Tis thought attacked me on my way of coming home after a long and weird night.

And then the next question that came into my mind. Why we feel a place - or why we consider a place - HOME. I have been to so many places called ''home,, but i felt always a bit of like a homeless person.


Every now and then i feel like i need a change. I tend to go repetitive. My days. My habits. My hours.   I realised it, when i was standing in the bus stop, waiting for the numer15Y bus. I could see coming the number 23. The bus driver had a fast look at me,  and kept the speed above 30km/h, passing me by. I was standing there and suddenly i realised my days re the same. Every single day repeats itself. After havin a deep look in myself, i somehow find out i need to be more active, proactive. I need more joy, fun, silly ideas. Shots, parties. And braveness. Care less about fears. A lot of ppl doesnt make cerain things because they are afraid of themself. Or of rumours.


I miss the calm morning coffees in the balkony, while i was bathing in the sunshine. I miss the huge spacious living room with a 5.1 stereo around. I miss the morning walks, or late night walks along the river.
I feel here home, but this is just a temporary feeling replacing the thought that suggests im a bit of a homeless person. My real home is far away. Far far away from here.

Forgiveness doesnt always happen with a Sorry

They say forgiveness is the most important thing. Through my life we all learn a lot of things. We know how to solve equations, we know the water is H2O nd we know the writers life and of course we know how the chemical formulas are, and how to count amper. But when we finish, we forget the rest of it, and should start all over again and when im in real life, no one explains me how to send an envelop, and how to address it, how to read the electric meter, and look out you need only the last numbers not all of them, and no one explained how to read my own bank account statement. 

Sometimes i feel like i am a 20 years old, sometimes i turn into a 50-year-old lady and id rather home ith my cat and cry back my past. I tend to pass things around me, taking it naturally. But now me and Zani have decided to take photos of everything we pass, and that made us feel differently. Or that we think, it is beautiful. Clouds? Flowers? Street? A bunch of trash? Who cares. We should pay more attention on the feelings we get. And taking a photo all of them, and send each other, it makes everything last mich longer than a fast glimpse.

Family dinner. The word "family" sounds a bit weird. Meeting everybody who knows me since i was born, but still doesnt know me. I am 20, i am young, i change just as much as the seasons. I wanna do everything all at once, wanna try, wanna taste, wanna touch. Which is normal. 

Everybody has a dark side. And the opportunity is given. Keep close to myself, and remember, or let it go, and let the wind blow away. 

For nearly 3 years now i kept it close to myself, remember and let not heal that huge black empty hole. Forgiveness is the attribute of strong, as they say. 

We cannot forgive someone by a fast decision. I can say, sure it is fine, if in my heart i dont agree. The questions are. Am i ready to let it go? 

I knew i couldnt avoid meeting my own memories, or fears, or thoughts. Whatever. Life is long, and its only the beginning. There will be still a lot of ocassion when i wont be able to simply turn my head away and pretend not to hear the words. I will still learn a lot of things, which i still dont know when and how, but i am sure life exactly knows which path is for me. But above of all, by now i understand that forgiving means to say thank you for all the experience i ever got.

 ....And by now i am ready to say thank you for everything that was given to me. 

Go out and motivation

Yeeey im still alive. Im studing mostly. However yestezrday i went out with some friends. Though i kept talking with one boy the whole night. Almost. He even lifted me. I was really suprised he can lift me up. :))) i loveeeee being lifted upppp.  S yeah the night was really really nice!!

And i got the title : the woman with big boobs! YESS! :D

In my free time. Or better say breaks during studying, i siiiiiiing! I neverget tired of singing. And honestly since i rekord them with this program, or whatever my voice improved a lot. Because i hear myself better, and i can control better my notes. I love love love love love LOVE singing. And what i get feedbacks that they love it.
2 things makes me so happy if someone tells me:

1. You have pretty hair
2. You have nice voice!

I wish i could study singing, or start singing, but nowadays these x factor anx i dont know... They are not how i wanna try.
If i will have a baby, i wont stop singing for her or with her. My parents used to be in a chores, my dad had a hobby group. But they never sang to me.
When i was with my little sis, they were only 4 years old and 1 years old, but i put sleep the younger one jn sleep by singing to her, and the older one, i was just sang with her. :) i remember i even teached her dancing. How pity i will never ever see them again for the rest of my life.

http://www.smule.com/p/88694637_10953844. #stand by me

http://www.smule.com/p/52120808_10941030 #king of anything

Now i go to study ir maybe before that i do some exercise. I have to get rid of my fat, i found a motiation!!

Be yourself doesnt mean burp :D

Im alright. I have a lot to study. Specially the russian. At the moment. And international economics. Ohh i just wanna pass the exams. I skipped a some spinning class as well. I was like. Study? Or Gym?... I really should study.. S insted i started again jogging with my friend at night. Which is better. Though i miss spinning. I will mix them. Muhaha.

Me and my friend were talking about wedding. Because 3 of her friends get married. 2 of my friends get married. Wooow i am really happy for them,  but, i dont kmow if i could get married. i wanna very much. On the other hand i dont know when i was younger i said. NOOO. Now i dont know. As im getting older im like. Best moment of my life will be  when the man im in love with ask me, will you marry me?
But when i think about marriage it brings me down. Everybody has like minimum 40 member of family. I have just me ....and maybe 4 more. Or maybe 5.
Or when i will graduate. Who will be there for me? Indeed i will ahave 2 graduations.... embarrasing..My sis told be in advance: " no worries sis, i will represent the family for you! " :) so i will do for her.

Then we (me and my friend) were alkin about " why no one want me " 

It was funny because as we started talkin how good to be yourself when you find someone who loves you just like you are....and no act, and you know just be how you are for real. And heis there always even when your horny as hell. You dont haveo be afraid of appearing to be a bitch, beause he is with you annnnnnyyyy wwwaaaaaaayyyy.

Then she started like " yess and you can burp, fart, can skip shower. Just be yourself! " :DDDDDDDDDDD then she was like aaaaaaaaahh you did not mean THESE when you said BE YOURSELF. now i understand whi my relationships died! :DDDDDDDD. Silllllllly woman!  :) i am very extra happy i have her.

here we aaaare I sing.

I am not a pavarotti, and have never studied the technique, so dont expect much. booooo. And yes I know the lyrics is wrong. (whose who understand hungarian sure will notice ) But i have never heared like oh god stop singing im going deaf! :-) Which makes me feel better. so thank you!

How i am? I am alright. I m studing actually. My russian exam is coomiiiiiiing so im about to get scared of it. Thou make me feel better that that is my last russian exam... so yeeaaaaaah i wanna pass it, oh please. i wanna pass it.

I dont know what to say. I have no inspiration. I just posted my singing. 

My favorite app EVER!!!

The hooooooome!!!! I love it, this app, is all about interiour design. I just simply love. I can see different homes, rooms, designs. I took a photo of it just to show how it is.

This for example bedrooms

Oh my holy god. I tend to spend hours looking the photos. Oooor this is bathroom:

I love it. I look forward to "grow up" which means get to know someone, and have a life. I think the best part of my life is going to be, when we move together, and start thinking about these things. You know when things start to be more than a relationship. Or i dunno how to say. Or how to put in words.... 

When i was younger, i used to play with Sims. I bet everyonr heard about it. Nooo i didnt play it. I always started building a house. Design it. D the garden. Fornitures. And when i was done, i destroyed it, and start all over again, but with a different style. I knew the cheating stuff to be rich as hell, so i could buy the most designed shits ever! It was awesome. So yeah, i love it. 

....I used to watch the TV, things like this. Interior design, gardens... etc... 

And when i found this app, i spent the whole day with this. I :D oh god i should stop loving things this much. Or now spanish. I literall spend the ehoe day eatching spanish video. And just enjoy it. I never can get enough of something i like!

Exams yay

Ohhhh dear exams are coooomiiiiiiiiiing!!!! So exciting.

******* I promise this time i wont sit all day long on my ass and eat chocolate with chocolate. I wont eat 1 kg bread in 2 days. I wont find any resson " why to eat chocolate " like * i need carb, for my brain work, so i CAN eat chocolate" and i wont say "i dont have time to go to gym." *******
AMEN

So in the past days i started feeling how it feels like to study. I mean to study hard. I challenged myself. I wanted to get a 5 in russian. Just to check if i am stupid and unable to study or just simply lazy. Aaaaand i got  5 yeessssss. So i jumped into my books. Lets see i have 16 subjects/exams. Niiice! I passed already 4. Very Niiice! Ad i failed alreay one. well... not that nice. Tomorow i have an exam. Then i have an other one on monday. It seems i wontgo home. Honestly i am not sad about it. Indeed. Ouhh..
If am i worried about my biggest russian exam ever? Not really. I know it depends on me. If i study i pass if i dont study i fail. Obvious. If i am worried about my Statistics exam? HELL YES!!! If i study im not sure i pass. If i dont study, well that sucks.
So yeah this is pretty much about school.
I will buy soon my gym ticket. My friend always in there so i eill join her. And of couse keepgoingto spinning. I finished jogging, spinning is much more fun. And just makes miracles. Yaaaaaay!

i am fine, thank you

I am still alright. Yaaay indeed I am. Whenever I meet with one of my friend, I feel like I am recharged with power. I have quite a lot of energy anyway, but when I meet them, I have even more. Like. Seeing that they reached something. It makes me believe, I can do it too! And I am kinda maximalist, so my hardwork is endless. I always love improving. Getting better.

And somehow I still prefer being with my older friends. They just say I am "insolently young" which means in hungarian "szemtelenül fiatal".  Sometimes I just lie about my age. Because everybody thinks me older than I am. And when I say my real age, they are like. Really? Only?!?! And I am like..... yes...... "only". haha...





My gym monthly ticket, or well crystals or what the heck they are..... about to run out. I dont really know which one should I buy. monthy ticket, or crystals. (sounds weird!) I guess I will go for the monthly ticket. Because now that school ends, I can go to spinning and gym again yaaaay. I will need to do a "schedule" Spinning, studies, work. I dont really need more in my life. (Boyfriend?!) I gave up. If the time will come, he will find me.(ihope) I can't look for something, while I dont even know what i am looking for?! Just be taller. Please be taller. And have more mouscle than I have. Please... I dont wanna feel like I could break him by accident!

 Aaaaand I will go home! This is for sure. Probably next tuesday. And on wednesday. Come back. I will spend the night with some friends. And talk. talk talk talk.

go home, and the whole body pic

I was checking some old photos of me. It is fun to watch photos of old times. One of my old friend will come to me for a night. When I lived in my home town, we spend a lot of time together. NIhgts we went out of nowhere just to watch stars. Watch movie together. Or go cycling. I know him since primary school but when I moved here we stopped talking. I mean not that often. and anyway I cant really talk with anyone by chatting. I prefer in person.
So yeah I am really happy for this to meet him.

But anyway after one year. or... well more than one year. I will finally visit home. However I really dont feel like. not at all. But I must go home. I can't do this forever. Flee from my own past.  Going home is facing the dark side of my life. It reminds me how terrible everything used to be.

Anyway I will just go home, and next day in the morning I will come back ASAP.  Then close my door for 2 days and relax. Everything is fine. I came back. Relax. It's over for ever.


*****yeah thre isno whole body pic. i changed my mind and deleted.

when working out smells like anorexia

I post this because today as I was just checking my old workout pages I found this girl. Well I never followed this girl, because I used to follow a girl, but suddenly she stopped, and an other girl replaced her. Then I stopped watching that workouts, because this girl has nothing that I want to have.
So today I was like, im gonna check her out. (because as everyone knows I like stalking :D ) How is it going. And I was like hoooooolyyyyy shit! She is so disgustingly skinny. Who the hell wants to look like her?!
Ok I will just show the video.

This video when she started (and I stopped) workout. She was skinny here though, but it was her body, I was like ok, she cant do anything, She is tall, and stuff like that. It's fine. She was even kinda pretty here. so its fine.





BUT HERE!
 then today, I checked right now. So yeah. I just show the video, and everyone can meditate about her body. She could ACTUALLY teach me
???????????how to transfer the fat out of my ass into my breast.????????
 Because this is what happened with her. So yeah. Its pretty much it. This is how a skeleton works out.



 sexy isn't?


And NOW I show myyyyy best favority awesome number1 workout inspiration.
well yeah she improved! So this is just some sort of motivation  for everyone i guess.
On the videos she is trying with almost the same exercise (inthe second one from 1:00) and yeah. that exercise is really . but REALLY hard.

why i love workout

I thought I will collect the reasont why I love it. Its because of me. It would encourage me to recall all these things.
And of course just FYI

1. makes me happy
   Yaaaay as I have said so many times, its because its simply makes me happy. After exercising I feel incredibly awesome. Happy. Satisfied and calm. 
2. makes me feel confident & proud of myself
3. reduces stress and clears mind
   it really helps me to stay calm. and get rid of stress. If I dont exercise i am more unpatient, and get mad much faster at anyone.
4. improves my health, and wanna be strong & flexible
   I want to be active, and want my body to be strong. Not only now, but for all my life. And if I exercise, I help my body to be & stay fit. As they say: "Strong is the new skinny".
   And also I sleep better, i am more capable, my mind is sharper. So yeah. I love it.
5. Boosts my immune system
   
6. Gives a good shape
7. I can eat more
   Yes, very important reason. I love eating. I love chocolate and carbs. 
8. Sweating is SEXY and HOT!!!
9. reduces my blood pressure
   however my b.p. isnt that high. It has never been. 
10. boosts my metabolism
11. improves inner strength, and helps to get to know my own body
    "I can do it"
12. improves & helps with pain tolerance
13. I can make new friends
14. and its FUN

And of course there is a lot more reasons....

endorphin

exercising and sports gives me endorphins. I am the perfect example how it works.
I have injured myself a lot of time during exercising, and I didn't even notice. just after that I finished that "what the fuck is that? blooooooooooodddd????? "

Someone might not know what the hell is that. This is a protein. One of my favorite part of the whole body.
Everybody can easily get it.
 *****copy & paste*****

Chocolate. There may be a physiological reason we crave chocolate when we are feeling blue. Chocolate contains chemicals called N-acyclethanoloamines that reportedly boosts endorphins. Stick with high quality, dark chocolate.
Chili peppers. Eating hot peppers may improve your mood. Capsaicin, the substance that makes peppers hot, is reported to increase the secretion of endorphins. The hotter the pepper, the greater the effect.
Acupuncture. Some research suggests that the reason acupuncture is so effective is that it causes a release of endorphins.
Exercise. Numerous studies have shown that exercise stimulates endorphins. Heavy weight lifting and sprinting are thought to have the biggest impaction on endorphin secretion. Prolonged aerobic exercise can also lead to the famed "runner's high" - a possible product of endorphins.
Sex. Orgasm releases endorphins. In an interview with iVillage, Alan Hirsch, MD, neurological director of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago points out that having sex is a lot easier than going for a long run.

so yeah probably I didn't felt it because of this. I actually adore sport. Even if I get hurt. I would still do it if I could. **see below**
I just have to overcome of my fears. I am not brave enough  to do those things. how pity 

plants and spinning!

If summer... That means onlyone thing.

GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN
I love green. I love yellow. I love blue.
And today. I bought-planted plants. I started fill the falt with green. I lovethem. so so so much. Before I  moved my other flat was fullof green. Plants and flowers everywhere.
I feel perfect if my environment is bright and natural. and spacious. If I could I would move somewhere else where I can have river in the nearby. or seeeeeeeea!
I am sure when I will be moving, the city has to be:

• big
• young
• havea lot lot lot lot of sport possibility 
• has at least one big normal swimming pool
• has place for running
• has a big calm park with squirrels
• and greeen really green 
• and i would love to have a river!

I have a new hobby. Since the past days I got tonsillitis. I had to give up jogging as long as I have this crap. So I started spinning. Spinracing. It is awesome. Luckily during the day i am better than in the morning or in the evening/night, so it's not a problem to keep being active! yay
aaaaand more active better concentration on my studies! I just have a lot to study. ooooooooohh gosh!

stay

And I stay. Yay! I was about to leave for a year. To havea gap year, and spend the whole year in a dif country. I actually had my accomodation and everything, I was thinking about it quite a lot. and I decided I will have this 2 year here in this city. Get my lovely degrees. and then I can start looking for an other option to stu
dy or my master degree. I wanna finish with my studies. And I wanna keep on studying russian.
And I love this flat anyway. I dont wanna lose it.
So yeah  that is pretty much it. 2 years. Not long time. I am at half time at the moment. 2 years are behind me. 2 years still are coming. And I will be done!





How i am these days? I am alright. I started again jogging. Howeve now i am sick. Guess it is some kind of influ. Ihave headache and everything. But most likely I will go jogging anyway.
My diet works fine. Though my legs are a little bit too strong.
Heeeeeels <3

Exams are coming. I am afraid a bit. oouuch!

tonight

I was out the last night with some of my friends. It was awesome. Well I wanted to get drunk but I didn't. I mean. I was happy and hiper super duper honest. But the CAPITAL-LETTER-DRUNK-DRUNK. No this level I didnt get. Probably this is why i am not being hangover and i am already awaken.And of course because i have a lot lot of energy!
Let's see during the night I realized at least 4 things.
First : Someone might not look as good in a closer view as I tought he was. Which is a good news. Indeed it is! Лучше поздно, чем никогда....
Second : Someone does wanna talk to me, and also a good dancer! still!
Third: well I knew this one for long time, I just got a confirmation. doesnt matter
Forth: To someone I just not simply wanna "close the door" and I didn't know,  ever could make me happy to hear "Im not really fine with my gf". muhahaha

Would I ever try with someone who has got a gf? Ujjjjjjjj Nej.  Больше никогда! nye harosaja igra. indeed

And now I just wanna show an awesome music. (at least its perfect for my taste) 
Bulgarian folk-pop music. I am too involved in this. Ahhh!

And today, I will buy some plants. I need greens. I need it. I mean it. I ama huge plants fan. The more the better. And of course I will study, and I will workout, and jogging, and ulala

revolutionary road and some musics

Today I watched a movie. And (I actually loved the movie. every single moment!) But there was a scene that made me think.
The boy admited that he fucked a girl . And the wife asked why you said it to me.Then the man answered, because it's over now. So obviously since it is over, he tells it. otherwise he would not.  And the man wants the wife to care about it. To be angry. or saysomething, because he loves his wife.



I started again jogging. The weather is perfect. And I am so happy. I actuallyhave favorite jogging song. :

If I listen this:
I CAN MAKE EVERYONE SURE, I am flying. Since I try to keep the rhythm. My average speed is like 23123521 km/h!:))
I always have to pay attention not to move like a freak when I listen to music in the street. The worse when I come downstairs. My legs are just move for the rhythm! UNCONTOLABLE
Damn I love dancing so badly.
Jogging and dancing till I die!

who am I?

I still have no clue what I wanna do in my life. I have no clue. I simply have no clue. Do I wanna be a teacher? or a business something? Or a whatever.
Why do I wanna be these things? Because I enjoy? Or maybe because I wanna make money? Or just because I wanna have a sure job. Anyway.. Is there any 'sure' job nowadays?  I am still so young, I dont know what i am doing, and I dont know my purposes. I have no clue where my destination is. I think I just flow with the river.

Probably if I could choose what I wanna do in my life. Acting. Singing.  Writing poems and musics..lyrics. And read 934729361 books. 
.....yesterday me and my friend went out for a walk and we were singiiiiing. Just like that. Loudly. and laughing. And just dont care that others wanna sleep. And I loved it.
He always makes me believe I can sing, because he tells me every time, what a great voice I have. Anyway. Even if I can not sing. I still
enjoy!

He asked me to sing let it be from beatles. and I tried. because why not. 


And of course I sang my favorite singing musics.
THIIIIIS: