again

I have been home again. I met with my fathers girlfrind, nd with my sisters boyfriends family. And also met my little step-siblings. They changed a lot. I havent seen them since 3 years. They didnt remember me. And they chaned a LOT. It was strange.


 I missed the children, i tried to talk with them. I tried to ask them "do you still remember of me?" But they didnt. They knew i am my fathers child, but they don't remember how much time we spent together. It was painful to hear, and made me realize i am no one anymore for them. Maybe if their mother didn't forbid me to see them, i wouldn't walk out of their life. The 2 smaller one were with me a lot. When they left, the smallest one even ran up to me, and gave me a huge hug and kiss. And i melted. And i realized while it was for me only 3 years, and i remember how i kept them in my arms, for them.... it was a chapter in their life. Which is over for ever.


The past weeks I had 2 horrible experience. .So i am not that well. today and this week was a festival, but I just cant make it.  I dont feel like screaming, and drinking. And dont feel like laugh. I just went walking with a friend, and have a drink in a coffeebar. talking. chilling.but i dont know yet. i am already dressed up, made make up. and everything. I just need some GET THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR ROOM!!!!!!!! or something like that
My flatmate said. " You have acted exactly the same at the previous time. I remember. And now you dont give a shit about that guy.  So dont worry.  "  haha this actually made my day.