Beauty comes from the Inside - Part1

I think I will start again yoga. Back in 2009 I was so balanced. I was jogging, I did yoga, I had a dog, I attended gym, and I was an excellent student in high school. I wanna have it back. I wasn't in love. I didn't need anybody.
What happened?

My friend is gonna get a puppy. Ohh my god I can't believe that this time arrived. I remember when like 2 years ago he told me he is going to get a puppy in 2014 summer I was sooo excited about it!. It seemed to be so far in that time. Still 2 years.... I doubted to even talk with him till now. But we still do talk. The previous summer he went home though we was talking. Now hes gonna stay! I will play with his dog allllll the summer! (or when I can)

Today is my name day. And today is the birthday of my very first love.

That first love. And the first one who breaks your heart. For me, they just happen to be the same person. Everybody says the first cut is the deepest. It’s so true. I don’t know if it’s because it’s the best love, but it’s the first that you remember. There is only one man that I will remember for the rest of my life, and I wouldn’t go as far as to say, ‘Oh I was in love with him and he broke my heart’.
They say the first love is for a lifetime. And it is true. After 10 years I still somewhere deep inside have feelings for him. Maybe he will always be one of my 'migh-have-beens'.
You can have a second love. A third or forth one.
You will all forget them. They are just to improve you and then all will leave you. All you will remember is your first and your last.  Your first love isn’t always the first person you kiss, or the first person you date. Your first love is the person you will always compare everyone to. The person that you will never truly get over even when you’ve convinced yourself you’ve moved on.

I truly feel sorry for those who has never been in love and has no idea what it means. Those kind of superficial girls who changes their boyfriend in every month. How poor they are.

I am not saying that breaking up is a sin. Breakups should be good. The time after the breakup should be the time you improve yourself. You go to gym. You go shopping and you go and you be a better version of you. To show and prove you do can change. And to show the guy he is hell gonna regret the day he left you. Because we all can change.
But does it really need a break up to do these things? Seriously?

As I am getting old I realllly change. I dont mean only look. But also my taste.
I notice it even about makeup or parfumes.

When I was younger I thought I am still not mature or woman enough to wear the expensive makeups or parfumes. I didn't have own money. For what I worked for by myself. So I was like. Meehh. I wanna buy it all by myself. I wanna work for it.
You can have expensive jewellery or luxury makeup. But these things just accessories. I wonder if those girls would go out with no makeup or how they feel about it. No makeup or no accessories can change who we are in the inside. I wanna feel just as confident without makeups as I could be with them. And I want to have a beautiful soul. Not to impress others. But to feel good about myself. And if someone will see the value we got. That just makes it even more beautiful.

I can't stand depending on someone else. I wanna be an independent woman who doesn't need anyone. And I want to give so much. If one day I will have a boyfriend I wish we would be the same. And I wish him to be patient with me..... Or with us. And I am sure if one day I will say yes again. I will know I deserve it. And he deserves me.

 I have some guy friends who know me since I am 10. They are all 25-26 years now. (Yes my friends were always older and most of them boys) ....He told me that I am like his little sister. He was with me when I lost my mom or when I was down. He said 'the older I am the more beautiful I am.'  It's like he said 'The older I am the more I change for the better.' It's all about changing. Positiveness and attitude. I really miss him. When I was 18 we took long walks. Then I moved here. And he moved so far away too. But we still talk.

I am changed by everyone by everything. I like changing and I dont mind it at all as long as its for the better. I believe my exboyfriend has kicked me forward. I really liked being with him because he made me believe I am more than I think I was. Or that I deserve more than I thought.
I could say "Nem azért szeretlek, aki te vagy, hanem azért aki én lehetek melletted."

I think and I believe everyone of us is a value. I mean. You are a value. I am a value. There is no other person like you or me. It's only one. You can say you will find a person like me. Or I can say ' I will find a person like you.'  But really. Everybody know it wont happen. If we die we extinct. Are we worried about the polar bears or about the pandas? Why are they different from us? What do they have that we haven't?


I will have a whole summer to meditate. Nobody will push me.  And nobody will blame on me my personality. Or my weaknesses. I know i need to improve. However I am happy for the people I feel close tell me negative criticism because its like I have to watch into my own mirror that I sometimes fail to do.

Confident is like a muscle. Right? The more you work on it. The stronger you get. Nobody will give you that. You gotta work for it.
Insecurity speaks much louder than confidence. Just think about the teens vs. grown up women. Feel the difference?
I used to get much more than I actually gave. I mean compliments. So I started giving compliments too. This is never a harm right? And you will just notice that you feel better and good about yourself if you give.
Have anybody noticed that pretty girls are so mean... like in general? Because they dont go so deep. They know about themselves that they can get anybody who they want. They forget that the beauty comes from the inside. You will never be beautiful enough with all the confidence you got if you never looked into your own mirror. 



to be continued....