So like in every year I made again new year resolutions. I dont mean that it is sooo serious. But I like set p new goals. And trying to achieve them.
Tuesday, 31 December 2013
Monday, 30 December 2013
revising 2013 new year's resoltions.
1. I quit artificial sweeteners ✔
Yes! I did it. I dont use any kind of artificial sweeteners. (Except if I can have sweeteners I go for it, but in every other cases, I use nothing or a tiny bit sugar)
2. I will cook more often ✘
Well.. I was cooking, but not more than in the previous year. I kinda stayed on the same level. Shame.
3. Dream Bigger ✔Definitely passed. I can't now come up with any example, but I feel I am more than I used to be.
4. Go to gym at last 100 times. ✔I did. I dont mean that I was IN the gym 100 times. But if I count the times that I have been working out, and have been jogging or cycling. Yep. Passed.
5. Be more creative ✘
Naaaah I dont know. I was and I wasn't. But after all. Iwould say. I could have been much more creative. Failed....
6. Write 10 monthly goals. ✔I gues I dont have to explain it. I did. Maybe not like a list. But in mind I have more than 10 goals any way.
8. Believe in myself ✔Yes. If I want it. I can do it.
9. Go to Church at last once in 3 months ✘
I failed. I can't help. I believe if I wanna be close to my own God I dont have to go to church because God is everywhere. And I have my own desciplines. I dont like practice one particular religion. I find those values in each that I need in order to be a better person.
10. The last one: Lenin said long time before: Учиться, учиться и еще раз учиться!!! ✔
Yes! I did it. I dont use any kind of artificial sweeteners. (Except if I can have sweeteners I go for it, but in every other cases, I use nothing or a tiny bit sugar)
2. I will cook more often ✘
Well.. I was cooking, but not more than in the previous year. I kinda stayed on the same level. Shame.
3. Dream Bigger ✔Definitely passed. I can't now come up with any example, but I feel I am more than I used to be.
4. Go to gym at last 100 times. ✔I did. I dont mean that I was IN the gym 100 times. But if I count the times that I have been working out, and have been jogging or cycling. Yep. Passed.
5. Be more creative ✘
Naaaah I dont know. I was and I wasn't. But after all. Iwould say. I could have been much more creative. Failed....
6. Write 10 monthly goals. ✔I gues I dont have to explain it. I did. Maybe not like a list. But in mind I have more than 10 goals any way.
8. Believe in myself ✔Yes. If I want it. I can do it.
9. Go to Church at last once in 3 months ✘
I failed. I can't help. I believe if I wanna be close to my own God I dont have to go to church because God is everywhere. And I have my own desciplines. I dont like practice one particular religion. I find those values in each that I need in order to be a better person.
10. The last one: Lenin said long time before: Учиться, учиться и еще раз учиться!!! ✔
Saturday, 28 December 2013
life lessons and christmas
I was thinking about what I learnt in 2013. I know I was talking abut it at the previous post, but there is one more thing that I think I learned.I have to accept the things as they are. I used to forced everything to be the way I want it to be. I pushed everything and I put way to much energy in things I was not supposed to. I cried several times just because I had no the power to change those things that I could not get.
But by now I understand that even if they not the way I want them to be, they all taught me their lesson. And I learned every single time something.
And if I didn't get what I wanted, I always get something else. There were always people who teached me how to be stronger, how to forget easily, how to hide my emotions, how to show them, how to cry in someone else's shoulder, how to stay proud even if im hurt and how to be myself. That my silly personality can be loveable. And that how to act and how to hide my thoughts. How to hide my emotions and how to release them.
walked out of an enchanted world and I am still wondering where I am.
At these times I can say, that I am happy. I think I haven't felt that balanced as I am.... since 4 years. I started again working out. I will bring back this into my life in a daily basic. I will do again yoga and I will start running again.
You know the feeling when you have so much energy and inspiration in your mind that you feel like you are going to explode?
This is exactly how I feel.
About Christmas............
As I have already mentioned a year ago.. (read back if interested) I hate christmas. I stopped celebrating when I was 14.... since it is supposed to be a family holiday. Or something like that. Of course I wanna bring back to my life this beautiful holiday. But this yeas somehow I didn't get the christmas spirit. I was working both days. And I am very happy about that because this made me forget this whole suff. Maybe next year. I dont wanna force it to be honest because I can have a christmas tree, I can have presents, I can buy christmas decorations. They worth nothing if I fake the happiness. And they give nothing if I dont have anybody to share with. Right?However some people wished me merry christmas, and those people made my day. And put a smile on my face. And I am really very thankful for them that they reminded me it is still christmas even if I better closing my eyes and pretend its a normal day.
Not suprisingly no one of my family called me or wished me merry chirstmas (expect my grandma. I talk to her a lot). I didn't expected. Or maybe somewhere deep inside my heart I hoped.
However! I still LOVE christmas cookies. So of course I made. Come on.. Who doesn't like christmas cookies?
Thursday, 26 December 2013
what 2013 taught me
Every single time when I actually decide to write I have no idea what I was about to write about. I might wanna write this time what I learned. Or better say. What 2013 teached me. Because It did teach me a lot of things. I might can't value them now. Or...
If I remember of the days when my life was not the best. I thought in that moment, I can't make it. I can't take it any more. But by now. Looking back to those times I am realizing I could not be the person who I am now if those things were never happen to me.
The most suicidal people are the strongest one. If they overcame against their biggest fear. And overcame those dark thoughts which were popping up every now and then, every single day... Then They can overcame everything in life. Right?
I choose to grow up. I choose to be the person I probably have always been. When we are little girls are we the person that we are going to be? Or are we just the root of those persons that we are able to be. or what we are capable of.
When I was a child. I was so so so shy. I was crying every single time when I was left in the nursery. I was crying every single time I saw my mom leaving. I was the kind of girl who has only one very best friend. I was the one who was crying if my mom didn't pick me up in time and I was the one who never ever slept with the others but waiting for the time passing by.
I always asked those questions that I feared to answer. I kept asking my mom when I will have to be without my family. When will I have to move away and be a grown up woman. Isn't it strange that these questions wasn't even a very long while ago? And by now I feels just the same strange to be with my family as well as it felt scary to be without them.
In this year I learned how much a life can change. I learned the more you are worth the more you value yourself. And the more others will value you, the more you show respect towards others and the less you let others look into your thoughts.
And I think I learned how it feels like to be respected by a man. And how it feels like to respect a man. And how it feels like to be "liked". I learned how to put my trust in someone.
You never know how much someone means to you as long as you didn't risk losing that person.
Losing because of an accident, or losing because of someone else, or losing because of your silliness.
I couldn't help but wonder is it so easy to realise how much you dont care about someone anymore? The person that you used to care about so much. How is it possible to reverse those feelings which you thought you could never do?
2014 is coming. I wanna lead a whole new lifestyle. I have actually just selected my clothes that I wear, and those whi
ch in my closet but never ever wear. Well I have to admit, It was terribly hard to get rid of my clothes. I like keep everything. And never throw anything away. But by the end I had just so few wearable clothes remained. So I think I will start the new year refreshing not only my closet but also myself.
I wanna be that kind of woman that others follow. Follow because of my values, for my follow because of the long hair I have. Follow for my moral, for myself. Follow because of my charm. For my motivations, and determination. Or because of the hot guys I could have. muhaha.
When I was young I hated when others did everything exactly the same way as I did. Wear the same kind of clothes. Wear the same hairstyle. Wear the same makeup.
By now I realised how much I want to be the person who I use to hate to be. It's not about what you wear. Or what you say or what you make. It is about the way how you wear. How you say or how you make. Right?
In 2013 I also learned that those people who are meant to be in your life. No matter what happens, always find a way to fill that place in your heart. Will find a way to find you, and will find the way to reunion. But I guess this lesson is still waiting for to be learned. And I am still getting those lessons. It is so unfinished. How far can we go to keep something happening?
The most suicidal people are the strongest one. If they overcame against their biggest fear. And overcame those dark thoughts which were popping up every now and then, every single day... Then They can overcame everything in life. Right?
When I was a child. I was so so so shy. I was crying every single time when I was left in the nursery. I was crying every single time I saw my mom leaving. I was the kind of girl who has only one very best friend. I was the one who was crying if my mom didn't pick me up in time and I was the one who never ever slept with the others but waiting for the time passing by.
I always asked those questions that I feared to answer. I kept asking my mom when I will have to be without my family. When will I have to move away and be a grown up woman. Isn't it strange that these questions wasn't even a very long while ago? And by now I feels just the same strange to be with my family as well as it felt scary to be without them.
In this year I learned how much a life can change. I learned the more you are worth the more you value yourself. And the more others will value you, the more you show respect towards others and the less you let others look into your thoughts.
And I think I learned how it feels like to be respected by a man. And how it feels like to respect a man. And how it feels like to be "liked". I learned how to put my trust in someone.
You never know how much someone means to you as long as you didn't risk losing that person.
Losing because of an accident, or losing because of someone else, or losing because of your silliness.
I couldn't help but wonder is it so easy to realise how much you dont care about someone anymore? The person that you used to care about so much. How is it possible to reverse those feelings which you thought you could never do?
2014 is coming. I wanna lead a whole new lifestyle. I have actually just selected my clothes that I wear, and those whi
ch in my closet but never ever wear. Well I have to admit, It was terribly hard to get rid of my clothes. I like keep everything. And never throw anything away. But by the end I had just so few wearable clothes remained. So I think I will start the new year refreshing not only my closet but also myself.
I wanna be that kind of woman that others follow. Follow because of my values, for my follow because of the long hair I have. Follow for my moral, for myself. Follow because of my charm. For my motivations, and determination. Or because of the hot guys I could have. muhaha.When I was young I hated when others did everything exactly the same way as I did. Wear the same kind of clothes. Wear the same hairstyle. Wear the same makeup.
By now I realised how much I want to be the person who I use to hate to be. It's not about what you wear. Or what you say or what you make. It is about the way how you wear. How you say or how you make. Right?
In 2013 I also learned that those people who are meant to be in your life. No matter what happens, always find a way to fill that place in your heart. Will find a way to find you, and will find the way to reunion. But I guess this lesson is still waiting for to be learned. And I am still getting those lessons. It is so unfinished. How far can we go to keep something happening?
Wednesday, 18 December 2013
dream of a dream
We dont like trying out new things because we are afraid of getting addicted. We dont like risking of losing something that we have got before. We dont like take any steps to the nowhere, where we can't really know what to expect.
I couldn't help but wonder. Is love one of those addictive things that we fear to try?
I hear so many bad things. 2 of my friend just broke up. And they thought everything is okay. Then another of my friend was talking to me about her relationship. Thinking about breaking up.
They are way too much feelings to my wounded several-times-harmed heart. I worry way too much than I am supposed to.
No matter if you are happy or not. No matter if you are loved in return or not. And no matter how much you give while you dont expecting anything in back. Love hurts anyway.
About me nowadays.,,, Exam period is coming. I have 2 final in the week. One of them is a mistake..... I missed the deregister time. Grattis to myself. Anyway I can do it. Because Im gonna try. And Im gonna pass. of course. (fingers crossed)
I am truly thinking about the tattoo. I think I gave myself enough time (a year) to make myself sure this is what I want. I dont wanna tattoo because it is cool and I dont want to show it off. It represents something more to me.
Probably I wont celebrate christmas this year either. I think I am still not ready. Maybe the next year. But at the moment I so dont have the merry christas feeling. No no no.Not at all.
I miss being creative. I actually miss reading a book. Or drawing (like learn how to draw a proper face)
. To be honest I dont even know what I want to do at the moment. I just feel like something is so not okay around me. I feel stupid. Will I ever be tired of this life? I wish I could move away. Will I ever think? :this is the life I want to live. ?
I couldn't help but wonder. Is love one of those addictive things that we fear to try?
I hear so many bad things. 2 of my friend just broke up. And they thought everything is okay. Then another of my friend was talking to me about her relationship. Thinking about breaking up.
They are way too much feelings to my wounded several-times-harmed heart. I worry way too much than I am supposed to.
No matter if you are happy or not. No matter if you are loved in return or not. And no matter how much you give while you dont expecting anything in back. Love hurts anyway.About me nowadays.,,, Exam period is coming. I have 2 final in the week. One of them is a mistake..... I missed the deregister time. Grattis to myself. Anyway I can do it. Because Im gonna try. And Im gonna pass. of course. (fingers crossed)
I am truly thinking about the tattoo. I think I gave myself enough time (a year) to make myself sure this is what I want. I dont wanna tattoo because it is cool and I dont want to show it off. It represents something more to me.
Probably I wont celebrate christmas this year either. I think I am still not ready. Maybe the next year. But at the moment I so dont have the merry christas feeling. No no no.Not at all.
I miss being creative. I actually miss reading a book. Or drawing (like learn how to draw a proper face)
. To be honest I dont even know what I want to do at the moment. I just feel like something is so not okay around me. I feel stupid. Will I ever be tired of this life? I wish I could move away. Will I ever think? :this is the life I want to live. ?
Friday, 13 December 2013
lessons
I believe everybody can be happy one day. But if I try to describe happiness, I am not sure I can. I am afraid of facing the reality. Or to see the worse part of the positive things. Lately I haven't post because I wasn't really inspired. However as I walk alone I have so many thoughts. And when it comes to put 'em down. I just simply have no idea how to. If I start writing I start thinking. If I start thinking, I start being spechless. Does it happen with anyone else?The past one week life was so rough to me. And yesterday I think I got the last drop in my glass. Whenever I think I am strong enough, I realise. I can never be ready for those lessons that life will give me throughout my life. Everything happens for a reason andnot by chance or by mean of good luck. It's just really hard to find the lesson among the pain or happiness
I just wanted to give up on living for a very little while. Nononono. I dont mean to give up on life. Just give up on living. Give up on trying to meet my own rules. To seem to be smart. To study. To pretend I am normal.
If I could probably I would just buy an awesome camera and take as many photos as much I can. Take huge walks. Buy a horse and be away. Get a car and pull over in the middle of nowhere. Watch the stars. Or draw the nature.
A couple of days ago, I couldn't sleep at night and when I checked outside, suprisingly I saw all the stars. I couldn't help but wonder. Is there anybody out there having the same feelings I have?Why nowadays life is all about "what-you-have?" - related? Why count the family? Why is the past important? Every-now and then I may think I could leave my past behind. But sometimes, somehow... It has its own way of catching up to me.
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