the best company

I wasn't blogging for a long time. I was busy. I am still busy. But today I made up some time.

I thought its a relationship that I need. But I am realising I was mistaken. I thought if I had someone my life would be much better. Or at least I could be much happier. But no. It wasn't the way I expected. For me the happier I am the slimmer I am. I lost zero fat.
The last time I was very slim was in 2012. When I spent the whole day with my neighbour's dog. I know it might sound funny. But could it be possible that all I need is a company that can be with me any time? I had always a very close relationship with animals. I always had a dog with me. This is the first time that I dont have.





... Yeah now I could say: But I have a cat! But... I dont know how people can be happy with a cat. I mean I love Promise. She is my little one. I would never give her to someone else because I care about her. But... I got a cat for myself becauseI could't get a dog.
I look forward to have a dog. I so wanna that I can't even describe. It's really hard for me to have only a cat. I always had birds. fishers. turtles. dogs, mice... But now I just can't afford.  I will move within a year. It's easier to move with only a cat than moving with a brunch of animals. Ohhh Godness. Why is it that hard? 
I couldn't help but wonder how can a dog makes me much happier than a man could ever make me? 

And my environment is so not for me. I got used to live next to rivers. And having a big garden. Or balkony. I was always very close to the nature. And now? living in a big city. The closest river about 100 km. Having no balkony. It's been more than 2 years I live here and I started feeling empty. I feel like I need to change.

Nowadays I am realising I am alone. Or I dont mean realising. But facing the fact that I have nobody. I mean. Ye I have friends but I know I will leave. And I will be alone in a strange city.
And to be honest I am so grateful for my friends. That even if I dont really meet because I am in a depressed mood. Or I turned into myself and dont really communicate to others. They still keep contacting me. It means to me more than I could say.
And how about my beloved bf? Well all I can say : A girl doesn't need anyone who doesn't need her. 

Spring is coming. I will be able to start jogging again. My neighbour will come with me. I am really happy for that. I could jog alone. But nothing is good if you do it alone. You can.. But doesn't feel right.

It's strange that to be honest I think a lot lot lot and I am saying. I wil mention this in my blog. And that and evreything. And when I am here and writing I dont think any of them would be noteworthy. I have so much things to say. Maybe thats why the words just wont be able to come out that easy.
But I believe I should not push me doing this. My bf used to like pushing me. I mean he put into words my thoughts. He knew what I want and what I need. But our timing is not the same. I still dont think that I would be ready. Maybe tomorrow I will be. Or maybe just in the next month. Or maybe just after a half year. But I know it's getting close.