As time passes by, I start figuring out what I wanna do for living. Which is good. My friend asked me. What is your motivation? Then I told him what I wanna do. He said. Yes. This is your plan. Not your motivation. I didn't asked what you wanna do. I asked why you wanna do.
I gave myself 2 seconds to think over the question, and I gave him my perspective. Then he said... wow! how old are you?! I know my motivations are weird. Maybe I will make a post about motivations. But not yet. I wanna give it more time.
I would love to see myself after 5 years. What I have. or what I wont have. Will I ever find true love? Is it exist at all? You know when you trust without borders, love without fear. And you dont have to be jealous because you know he is there for you no matter what. Or you dont have to lie or keep things in secret just because you are afraid you are not perfect enough with all the imperfections you got.
Are the actions speak louder than words?
Today I just got so depressed. I just. cant find my place on the Earth.
What happened?
Well to be honest I never write that privat stories in my blog but this time, I feel like I must share.
Beauty has a good and a bad side. They goes hands in hands.
The good side that everybody pays attention. Everybody notices me. So gentleman everybody. I mean it. You know when boys try to get my attention. And when they act nicely.
It is cool.
The bad side?
So huge pressure. Always everybody askes out. There is always a boy who wanna be more than friends. It starts as a friendship, and then the guy go crazy. Wanna possess. Wanna hold always my hand And then suddenly he calls me whore. Or tell people I am a bitch. Or lie others he fucked me. And I can do nothing but cry.
Now that I got to know someone, I just wanted to belong to someone. No boys texting me. No other boys asking me out.
I tried to handle this.
But when they get to know I have someone they might speak against him. And it hurts me so badly. Or they tell me not to tell him if we meet. Is it too much to ask for happiness?
It takes me ages to put my trust in someone. I wasn't like this before. But I remember the very first time I realised boys might not mean what they say was when I was 14.
A boy asked me to be his girlfriend. And I rejected him when he suddenly asked "But why wont you be my girlfriend? You are so beautiful!." That was the first time when I realised someone wanted to keep me as a decoration. And not because of my personality. Then I put less and less trust in boys. I have never had a boyfriend before. I just wasn't able to trust. Or I might just started believe I am worth nothing but a pretty face. .
The one I am with now was the first boy who asked me why I leave, and why I dont sleep at his place. Like SLEEP. and nothing else.
And now there is a guy who keeps asking me out for more than a year. I rejected him. But he was trying. And he said all the beautiful things that a boy can say. I believed he likes me for my personality. Even though I would never accept him, it made me feel valuable in a way.
But yesterday I got to know he says things behind my back.
But why yesterday he told me such a big words? suddenly all I felt is just crying.
All I want is to die for a little while.
I deactivated myself from facebook. Idont wanna talk. I dont wanna people add me friend jus because they saw me once. I dont wanna some boy keep begging for just a kiss on the cheek. I dont wanna boy asking me to their place. I dont wanna boy asking me for a coffee saying "it is just a friend with friend thing"
I try to be as simple as I can. No jewellery, no nice dresses, no makeup, no dyed hair, no fake nails. No nothing. But myself
How far can a boy go to have a fuck? How far can a boy go to get what they want? How will I ever be able to trust? How will I ever love without fear. Questioning myself everyday when will I be left because I gave all I got. Wondering every single day does he still really mean what he says? Is my personality the reason he is with me?
I deserve much more then a fuck. I am worth much fucking more than these could ever offer me.
Today I just got so depressed. I just. cant find my place on the Earth.
What happened?
Well to be honest I never write that privat stories in my blog but this time, I feel like I must share.
Beauty has a good and a bad side. They goes hands in hands.
The good side that everybody pays attention. Everybody notices me. So gentleman everybody. I mean it. You know when boys try to get my attention. And when they act nicely.
It is cool.
The bad side?
So huge pressure. Always everybody askes out. There is always a boy who wanna be more than friends. It starts as a friendship, and then the guy go crazy. Wanna possess. Wanna hold always my hand And then suddenly he calls me whore. Or tell people I am a bitch. Or lie others he fucked me. And I can do nothing but cry.
Now that I got to know someone, I just wanted to belong to someone. No boys texting me. No other boys asking me out.
I tried to handle this.
But when they get to know I have someone they might speak against him. And it hurts me so badly. Or they tell me not to tell him if we meet. Is it too much to ask for happiness?
It takes me ages to put my trust in someone. I wasn't like this before. But I remember the very first time I realised boys might not mean what they say was when I was 14.
A boy asked me to be his girlfriend. And I rejected him when he suddenly asked "But why wont you be my girlfriend? You are so beautiful!." That was the first time when I realised someone wanted to keep me as a decoration. And not because of my personality. Then I put less and less trust in boys. I have never had a boyfriend before. I just wasn't able to trust. Or I might just started believe I am worth nothing but a pretty face. .
The one I am with now was the first boy who asked me why I leave, and why I dont sleep at his place. Like SLEEP. and nothing else.
And now there is a guy who keeps asking me out for more than a year. I rejected him. But he was trying. And he said all the beautiful things that a boy can say. I believed he likes me for my personality. Even though I would never accept him, it made me feel valuable in a way.
But yesterday I got to know he says things behind my back.
But why yesterday he told me such a big words? suddenly all I felt is just crying.
All I want is to die for a little while.
I deactivated myself from facebook. Idont wanna talk. I dont wanna people add me friend jus because they saw me once. I dont wanna some boy keep begging for just a kiss on the cheek. I dont wanna boy asking me to their place. I dont wanna boy asking me for a coffee saying "it is just a friend with friend thing"
I try to be as simple as I can. No jewellery, no nice dresses, no makeup, no dyed hair, no fake nails. No nothing. But myself
How far can a boy go to have a fuck? How far can a boy go to get what they want? How will I ever be able to trust? How will I ever love without fear. Questioning myself everyday when will I be left because I gave all I got. Wondering every single day does he still really mean what he says? Is my personality the reason he is with me?
I deserve much more then a fuck. I am worth much fucking more than these could ever offer me.
Or when are we actually satisfied with our life? Or what we have? I try to be happy for what I have. Or what I got from life.
I have seen people living in hell life. Some praying for a better fate. And some be happy just because can walk with no help. And then I understood how it feels like to be happy for what I have now.
I could say my happiness is in progress. But... Amn't I happy now?
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