again

I have been home again. I met with my fathers girlfrind, nd with my sisters boyfriends family. And also met my little step-siblings. They changed a lot. I havent seen them since 3 years. They didnt remember me. And they chaned a LOT. It was strange.


 I missed the children, i tried to talk with them. I tried to ask them "do you still remember of me?" But they didnt. They knew i am my fathers child, but they don't remember how much time we spent together. It was painful to hear, and made me realize i am no one anymore for them. Maybe if their mother didn't forbid me to see them, i wouldn't walk out of their life. The 2 smaller one were with me a lot. When they left, the smallest one even ran up to me, and gave me a huge hug and kiss. And i melted. And i realized while it was for me only 3 years, and i remember how i kept them in my arms, for them.... it was a chapter in their life. Which is over for ever.


The past weeks I had 2 horrible experience. .So i am not that well. today and this week was a festival, but I just cant make it.  I dont feel like screaming, and drinking. And dont feel like laugh. I just went walking with a friend, and have a drink in a coffeebar. talking. chilling.but i dont know yet. i am already dressed up, made make up. and everything. I just need some GET THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR ROOM!!!!!!!! or something like that
My flatmate said. " You have acted exactly the same at the previous time. I remember. And now you dont give a shit about that guy.  So dont worry.  "  haha this actually made my day.

The matter of spontanity

I was supposed to sleep, but still the only one thing that was spinning around my thoughts was: is it really that simple? 

I closed all my doors, and didn't opened it.  Yes it was a metafora. I didn't know how to handle these kind of things. Dating. Why is it something that a lot of ppl get so excited about? Why we all picture it as a most perfect meet up we will ever experience? In case it will turn into a nightmare, it is just experienced as a 'not meant to be'-thing.

The past weeks i have been taught: the matter of spontaneity. If everything is supposed to be spontaneous, why i would exactly know what is going to happen? Isn't it something that is supposed to be in an unexpected way? 

And a lot of girls question. When do i turn into a slut. Getting lead with someone comes in hands with the expectation of losing the feeling being respected? Or it is just a rumor spreading across the girls, get sick of this rumor, and then get healthy again. After months or -in worse case- years. 

Expectation leads to the biggest mistakes ever. Expect  THE  perfect Guy.  Expect THE  perfect kiss. Expect THE   perfect date and expect THE   perfect sex. 

Can it really screw up something that we just rather pretend as it never happened or is it a sign of letting know: something is not supposed to happen. Unless it is spontaneous. 

Repetitive

This was the very first time that i felt, this is my home. Tis thought attacked me on my way of coming home after a long and weird night.

And then the next question that came into my mind. Why we feel a place - or why we consider a place - HOME. I have been to so many places called ''home,, but i felt always a bit of like a homeless person.


Every now and then i feel like i need a change. I tend to go repetitive. My days. My habits. My hours.   I realised it, when i was standing in the bus stop, waiting for the numer15Y bus. I could see coming the number 23. The bus driver had a fast look at me,  and kept the speed above 30km/h, passing me by. I was standing there and suddenly i realised my days re the same. Every single day repeats itself. After havin a deep look in myself, i somehow find out i need to be more active, proactive. I need more joy, fun, silly ideas. Shots, parties. And braveness. Care less about fears. A lot of ppl doesnt make cerain things because they are afraid of themself. Or of rumours.


I miss the calm morning coffees in the balkony, while i was bathing in the sunshine. I miss the huge spacious living room with a 5.1 stereo around. I miss the morning walks, or late night walks along the river.
I feel here home, but this is just a temporary feeling replacing the thought that suggests im a bit of a homeless person. My real home is far away. Far far away from here.

Forgiveness doesnt always happen with a Sorry

They say forgiveness is the most important thing. Through my life we all learn a lot of things. We know how to solve equations, we know the water is H2O nd we know the writers life and of course we know how the chemical formulas are, and how to count amper. But when we finish, we forget the rest of it, and should start all over again and when im in real life, no one explains me how to send an envelop, and how to address it, how to read the electric meter, and look out you need only the last numbers not all of them, and no one explained how to read my own bank account statement. 

Sometimes i feel like i am a 20 years old, sometimes i turn into a 50-year-old lady and id rather home ith my cat and cry back my past. I tend to pass things around me, taking it naturally. But now me and Zani have decided to take photos of everything we pass, and that made us feel differently. Or that we think, it is beautiful. Clouds? Flowers? Street? A bunch of trash? Who cares. We should pay more attention on the feelings we get. And taking a photo all of them, and send each other, it makes everything last mich longer than a fast glimpse.

Family dinner. The word "family" sounds a bit weird. Meeting everybody who knows me since i was born, but still doesnt know me. I am 20, i am young, i change just as much as the seasons. I wanna do everything all at once, wanna try, wanna taste, wanna touch. Which is normal. 

Everybody has a dark side. And the opportunity is given. Keep close to myself, and remember, or let it go, and let the wind blow away. 

For nearly 3 years now i kept it close to myself, remember and let not heal that huge black empty hole. Forgiveness is the attribute of strong, as they say. 

We cannot forgive someone by a fast decision. I can say, sure it is fine, if in my heart i dont agree. The questions are. Am i ready to let it go? 

I knew i couldnt avoid meeting my own memories, or fears, or thoughts. Whatever. Life is long, and its only the beginning. There will be still a lot of ocassion when i wont be able to simply turn my head away and pretend not to hear the words. I will still learn a lot of things, which i still dont know when and how, but i am sure life exactly knows which path is for me. But above of all, by now i understand that forgiving means to say thank you for all the experience i ever got.

 ....And by now i am ready to say thank you for everything that was given to me.