easter, boyfriend and friends

 Being in family or being alone?
It's Easter! I didn't want to celebrate it because the time is still not here. Its a family thing. I am all alone. I prefer being anywhere but home. I haven't celebrated christmas either.
When I will a normal relationship I can start thinking about bring back the celebrations into my life. And start thinking as i have a family again. But still I would expect too much of it. And I would have ended up being disappointed. Just like the last 7 years. and still its a long way to go.
I didn't go home now either. My dad said he totally understand. its hard even for him to forget this only one days of being home. he goes back to his gf and forget this all with his girlfriend. but if I come back to this place i have noone that could help me to cheer up or make me believe im not all alone.
I dont mean now friends. I do have friends. but still.

however now most of my friends are home. being with family. and im here writing my blog and reading a book which is actually a piece of shit.
This fifty shades is all about being someone's lover..... LOVER! .... piece of crap. I enjoyed the book as long as I figured out this is all about this.  to have sex with a super duper adonis who on the top of this clearly declared not to sleep together and say bye after all
.....no. thanks. I feel like throwing up.

I often talk to my friends about....
where to find a boyfriend? We alllll have our ideal boy. And we all have an exact situation where we wanna be with our chosen one, how he behaves, how he looks like and how he talks to us. Isn't this all make it much  harder? i mean to find an excellent candidate with whom we could imagine as our bofriend.
I think the best places to find a boyfriend iis where I can actually communicate. Im typically that kind of girl, who.....
if I like someone.. he is the one of who I dont give a shit. Dont talk to him that much. Ignore.  Short conversations and seems like i am nooot interested AT ALL. Why?
Because I am just simply speechless. Im shy and blushing. and I think. sure he doesn't like me. Dont think into it miracles. dont be naiv.
I need a HUGE poster on what its written "I LIKE ____YOU____!"  and then i will notice "god, he might like me back?! wonderful! "

An another question that inspired me.
What is better to have older friends or younger friends? 
When I came here and studied the 'distane course' I had mainly older friends. 24-32 years old. And I learnt a lot from them. really a lot lot of things. one of my best friend is 26 years old. And the other who I spend the whole summer with is 31 years old. I love being with them. I literally can talk about everything there is not such a thing that too blushy or too personal, or embarrassing or too woman thing. or whatever. I love my flatmate as well. i feel lucky to live with her. there is not such a thing about what we dont talk.
other hand... when I came to this course suddenly I have a lot of friends whos my age. or even younger. With them I could go crazy. do silly things. and drink like a fish. and gossip about boys.

I am just not going to answer my question, because I find in both age positive and lovely points. and no one can be judged be the age. isnt it true.

fifty shades of grey

I would like to have a tattoo.. Where? I have no clue. Or well I have.

But i am not sure if I really wanna. not because I would regret. But If I gain fat, it would look aweful.
Im typically that kind of girl, who likes to overthink everything 236234632 times. And I have been thinking about it for a long long long while. 




I started reading a book. FIFTY SHADES  OF GREY. Im still in the beginning but i am already excited. My friend loves this book. "this book is so naughty sexy and full of sex and erotic, you got to read it! "
I took my friends advice.

Now im just gonna continue.  And i will write down my opinion of this book.
I hope this book hits the Abby Lee : Girl with a one-track mind, which is actually one of the best massive written porn I have ever read! After reading this book you will NOT be ashamed of your sexual orientation. Indeed more confident. And inspired of course.

bored of winter

I can't believe it stil snowing, I can not believe it. I wanna spring!
I bought new training clothes, I do want to use it. 




Now seriously. Yesterday I checked how much kg i am, and i was about to cry. My friend came over, we were talking, or we started studying. he helped me. Then we actually ended up doing exercises in my room. :-)
I was showing him how flexible i am
. muhaha i showed some positions  included splits. and he showed me some good positionsas well. He jogs as well. 10-20 kms.
I was complaining, how fat i am, and I feel terrible in my body. it was really lovely  of him that he said, i will lose it, and i can do it, and we will go jogging togethe
r, and trallalla.and he also said, i am pretty right now. so no worries. And he sees i am full of muscle, so no wonder im that heavy.
So now I actually feel myself better. I am happier.
I took today a before picture. and after 4 weeks, i will take another photo. I am curious if I will change or nott. slim down, or whatever.

 

Hopefully with spring will come happiness as well. I gave up on boys, so it will come when it wants. but hapiness is something that I need. I wanna flowers, i wanna see birds, i wanna see GREEN AND YELLOW!! and i wanna see beautful white clouds, and i wanna be in the sun, and just feel how warm it is. I wanna smell the typical spring flowers and get some lovely flowers into my room and into the flat. I am a huge fan of flowers. I dont mean the cutted one. I mean which is alive, and will be growing! aaaah goddnes..... FML

which is better

The past fewdays ive been thining abut babies.

Which is better if there babies almost the same age, or if the babies has like 7 years dif?
If I think 2 little babies re awesome. but if I think if they grow up, will leave together. no. So I think if there is 7 years dif is the best. or 8.. whatever. so if the older one decide to leave I will still have the younger one. muhahaha
But then I think, then I should get the first baby in 5 years. if I wanna be a young mother. Ooooooh nononono I am NOT ready.

I would love to see myself in 10 years. Hopefully I will not be fat, indeed slimmer. I will have at last 2 diploms, and at least one master degree. And a job. of course a job.

Which is better? buy a flat or rent one?
I used to say.. nonono no buy. never ever.
If I ever buy a flat, it has to be in a big city. bcause if I decide to move on, I could give it for rent.
No one wanna rent a flat in the middle of nowhere. am i right.

Which is better live in hungary or live in a dif country?
Liking a nationality and liking a country is 2 dif thing. I like hungarian ppl. Lovelies.
I hate hungarian economy.
What about boys? Hungarian boys vs international boys.
have no idea. my heart is wide open, everyone is welcome.

which is better to live in a big spacious flat or live in a small one?
SPACIOUS! Have I said before I dont like if it's too crowded? I hate hate so hate high, big furnitours. I feel sick is a cupboard is much taller than me. And I hate so many furnitours around me. I feel nervouse then.


My dream bedroom. one doublebed even if I live alone. compulsory. few fourniture. and one desk.
And get rid of every kind of additional extra furniture which has nothing to do in the room. nonnono i dont need dustcollector.

This one is lovely

random

i wanna spring

I will be studying muchmore this time during the semester. I dont mean the russian, i mea the int business. Previous year I was payijg attention only for the russian. And when it cameexam period, I was studying the whole day. Boooo
Now I have applied to pre exams, so it would be awesome if I pass them. the first one is today. .
I am really glad that I am working as well, because it helps me manage my time better. Now I finally found the best time for it. 3 days work, 4 days study. and I have time also jogging, and workout. Yaaaay!
Yesterday I went to the sport shop, to check out the prices, I wanna buy leg weights, fitness mat, and jumprope.
My friend asked me to help her lose fat. It encourages me as well, because every time I support her, I actually support myself as well.


I WANNA SPRING. It's ridiculous... snowing in march?!

it's not my century

I hate
hate
hate and
HATE
watchin romantic movies from the 18. century. hate! so badly.
HAAATE
 Because if I watch, I end up being in a huge depression. This is not my century. I love theatre, and love proms, I love dancing waltz. And love pretty clothes.
I rather spend my free time writin poems or drawin or readin than watch tv or play some pc games.
I will be much more creative. I will start again reading. And spend my free time normaly. not stucked in front of Facebook.
I wanna read ALLLLLLLLL the russian famous books. This university made me fall in love with Russian culture. I wanna read the books in russian. not in hungarian or english .

More I learn russian, more I can speak. When I hear someone talking in russian, I actually understand a lot of words. I could also write down. Ok not perfectly. But I start  feeling the emphasis. And make differences between the letters. And thing like that.

Now i feel like I will manage my time better. The critical period is over. I am more balanced again. If im balanced im happy. If im happy Im skinny. HAKUNA MATATA!

dont lie please

I often find myself such a silly situations. I know this man, He knows me. I know this girl. She knows me. Have never ever talked to each other. Should I greet? or just pretend i have never ever heared about them.


Today I have just met with a guy. I didn't really know if I should greet him, or just pretend that i dont even know him.
You know that feeling when you look at someone who has a so so serious face, and you have no clue what in his head!
However  I dont know him, but still think he is a normal guy. I remember I gave him a hug when i was so drunk. I dont remember what I said or what I was actually talk about.
He is not that scary wht I felt he was!
Smilin....... So tiny little body-language. But smile is something that means to me a lot.
as i am myself, I love smiling.  If Isee someone giving me a smile. I  HAVE TO smile. Because this makes me happy. :-) And love when  little child looks at me, and smiles. Children smilies re so true. Lovey lovely smile!

teach

The past ... weeks, i was really thinking, what should I be. If I grow up. I mean when it comes to work. If I could I would probably be a singer :-) Just because I love love love love and LOVE singing. I sing every day. I just can't exist without singing... Like this song! aaahhh my life is about this voice!
Feels so lovely when someone hears me sing, and while I sing, I see on his face:  "god he loves my voice!" :-)

Now which is probably the closest to reality, is to be a teacher. Language teacher. Russin and Dutch, and enlish. And I wanna speak properly in german as well, and of course spanish. I actually have started all of them. i just have to finish. 

Yes but, Im doing also a business diplom. This is the time, when I wish I had more hours / day. more than 24 hours. I often face the problem: I wanna do so many things, and I have to realise, I aint got time fo' them. I dont like the "empty hours" when I dont hve to do anything. That's why I hte waiting, or hate just doing nothing at all. Sometimes though doing nothing at all is equal to doing something very important and meaningful. 

I guess no one got me now.  

I like being in balance. When I feel like, I can maage my things. so sometimes all I need is just to do nothing and meditate about my things. Think think think..! as winnie the pooh always says.

mistakes, moving, and whatever

I am totally disappointed in love. Anyway i am so young. I just have to wait. 

Im gaining experiences, and learn from my mistakes. Ppl's life is aaaall about making decisions. Even now. I have made a decision on writing a post right now. 

But makes harder this ...... the question. Should I listen to my heart or should I listen to my mind? Ambivalent. I used to followed my emotions. But now. well. I dont. Im tired of making risks by following my emotions. Im again fine so far. And I insist on this.

However today one of my... friend? asked to apologise. Well I really didn't expected this from him. In fact, he hurt me really. And was an asshole last time I saw him. So it actually made my day a bi t. It means he has some respection toward me. Last time I got everything but respection.

Nowdays im really busy. Which I like because if i m busy, i dont have time  to feel sorry for myself. It's crazy. I donteven meet with my own flatmate, because she comes home late, I come home late. and we both so tired by the endof the day. Go sleep then booooom. Sleep like a baby. Now my life is all about this, and sport, and some friend.
Some friends invites me to disco and whatever, but I dont know. I dont really feel like going parties and drink like a fish. It's not really me. 

I am planing to move. No not in the near future. It was just an option. That came into my mind. I need change. I am like that. after a while, when too much mess around, I feel like I wanna get outta this. By chnanging the environment, and everything. So this option will be around. I would probablystay in the nerby. Me and my friend were planing this. Would be lovely to live with her. I was living with her before, but then she had to move. Sadly. 

However after uni, most likely I will leave this city. Or this country. And I will stick to my friend. I actually told her before. If I leave, you are going to leave with me. She was happy to hear that. And if i wanna something. I go for it with a passion. But firstly uni. It's still a lot of time, so I ve got time to over think this all. I like over thinking things 5475632871 times and make 3476238471765 plans, and 3746523875623876 options. 

My laptop's sign. CLEAN THE SHIT OUTTA ME

I had to reinstall my whooooooooooole PC. Because everything stopped working. it was like an illness.first just slow down. then stop skype. ok who cares, i can live without it.

Then next step.
Stop youtube videos. Ok you know what? I dont give a shit. I was just waisting my time on that.

Next step
My camera stopped working. Ok ok ok. It's ok no worries. It was a sign I should not watch myself.

Next step
Cant download pictures. doesn't work the "right click" option. Ok you know what? PrntScr is my friend. so fuck you laptop!

Next step
I can't watch any document nor excel.. no NOTHING. Basically my microsoft office has died.You know what? I registered to skydrive.com....

Next step
Cant change volume. you know what? Then i will listen to my musics on the same volume!

Next step
Cant put on any musics on my laptop. volume stopped working. You know what? I AINT GON LISTEN TO MUSIC AT ALL!! I have an MP3 player. so fuck off.

Next step
My internet became extremly slow which means no facebook.

URGENT CALL A SOMEONE TO FIX IT! the internet thing happened yesterday. Today I have windows  7 ultimate OS. It works, but now my touch pad doesn't work well. But everything is fine.

But it was so crazy. The guy (ops i misspelled...already corrected  )  was installing then BOOOOOOMMMMMM goodbye laptop. it was totally HOT. Then the guy looks at me. Have you EVER cleaned this poor laptop?
He did a fast cleaning. and continued. ohh this laptop was crying for someone to help. I am a baad baaad laptopkeeper.

smells like fitness

I am alive. now really. the past 3 days was soooo bad. the story was...

first I found a man who I know hell drunk lying on the groundcoudln't even move. I was schocked. I can't see ppl being unable to move. I get sick and .. nightmare. really.



 I spend today the whole day in the uni, study study study study.. and... STUDY. Now i have one week. it is going to be enough. Everything is perfect.

I am so hapyp to meet again with friends in uni. Who I haven't seen for a long long while. (yes 3 weeks feels like a forever to me) Also me and myf riend decidd to go together swimming. we actullyare planing for so long time, but it just didn't happen. well, I am going for it. ;)

I have just started my training session. Jogging!  My doorman told me today that NOW in this body I am really pretty. He didn't like me when i was skinny. I said, really? but then i was so slender, now I have fatty thights.
but anyway i will be like i was. YAY!!

To encourage myself, I started to check myself. Every single time I will jog, I will note the minte, the km, and the pace. and still a lot of thing.
I applied to a 10,5 km distance competition with my friends. we still have one month to prepare.Yay!!! I am so excited about it. I wanna see how I improve! Today we were planing a 3-4 km jogging, but due to the rain it's cancelled. FML

update! it's spring! love is in the air

I am allllllright! Well not. Im sick as hell. I dont see, i cant breath, I can't move, I have headache, and every kind of shit.  also my noses (yes my both noses haha ) are bleeding. booo And I am bitchy and snoring. Embarrasing. I hoped i wont be snoring. But I do. I hate being sick. so so so so badly!

The past 2 weeks i was kinda unavailabe nearly for everyone. I was either on the training, or home or sleeping. Now it seems I will have more time, I can attend again lectures, and make up for lost time.
Next week I have 2 russian exam. Aaaaah,lot ot words, and lotof phrases and grammars! Crazy, but Its fine. I just have to sit down and spend all my day with my russian. It is going to be fine. no worries.

Today my friend puts perm in her hair. I am so excited about it. I have never seen it for real. Yeah yeah pictures. i saw. my grandma i saw.. but youngs! have never! I am really really really excited about this. I love perm as well. If I will have long long long (AND LOND) hair, I will probably will put perm into my hair like in the lord of the dance. That hair is just simply BEAUTIFUL.

but actually this whole video is amazing. love love love. the dance, the legs, the hair, the colour, the body. 

Btw.. Yesterday i saw a so sick thing. I spent a lot of time with chidren. I always BEHAVEd RIGHT. followed the rules. (in front of them) if it's red I STOPPED. and wait untill it is cleeeaaarly green. Just because of the child. to teach them. "you see? it's red, you must not cross the street, even if it seems in 2 kms you are the only one existing.. whatever...  "
Then I saw a woman with TWO!! children. I was like. ok ok ok I will stop as well. just because i dont wanna confuse poor children. Then the mother just passed the red  light, and crossed the street... FML

It's kinda the same when I hear speaking the .....2 years old children "fuck you bitch". Will I aint gon' say anything. But think... silly ppl.

And op op op I almost forgot it! I am one year older! yess, yess. I am getting older. Well, I dont see any difference, and can't experience anything new, but I am glad. In that day I ate a llooooot of chooclates. I ws worth it.

One more thing. Me and my friend werre talking about dead bodies. She said it was so heavy. Then we started talking about this. Why get's the dead and sleeping body heavier. A lot of ppl says that sleeping body is not getting heavier.
But I clrearly remember, when I put the kids sleep, I exactly knew when they fell asleep, because suddenly the were like 1-2 kilo heavier.
We found this really interesting.
...Ahhh I miss so much being surronded with lovely kids. I actually have 3 little step sibling. But.... They have already forgot me. Isn't that embarrasing?