floating thoughts

 I am still alive. I didn't post anything the past week because whenever I felt like posting, I couldn't put into words the way I felt. I could write poem, I could draw and sing. But write down. with simple sentences. With simple orinary words.. it was an impossible task.

Once the avalanche starts, it will be very difficult to stop. But it may be a different story now….

Maybe it's just because of the stress it is easier to lose the ground from under my feet.

I'm confused. I do not know how I feel. Sometimes I love to death, and sometimes have my doubts. Sometimes I feel like the only thing I want is for his attention, and sometimes I feel like I do not need it.

He goes home like everybody else. And the only one thing I can think of that I missed my chance.

I missed, because  I never notice  in time ...my feelings.

Sometimes I could cry and suffer. More boys I get to know,more I'm  realizing. 

I have already written so many poems. English and Hungarian. But I think I have reached a point where I feel, I need to connect my emotions.

Sure. I write my diary.  Since I was 12 years old.

But it's not the same.

I'm thinking maybe if I start to write.... Book. It is not for people, or for friends. Just for myself. Just a personal wish. Nothing more. But maybe I could do this.

I think I might have different life than most people. Maybe I see things differently than others. And maybe I am more harmed than the average person.

This is something that I can not tell to anyone just like that. And I do not want to. But maybe if I would write a book about it, and I write about  what I can’t tell. 

Obviously. It would not be true. In the moment we write down our thoughts. It stops being reality. Instead, it turns into a fiction. 

Where shall I begin? Where to finish? Since it is still ongoing.

What is the most important? What did I learn from it?

I do not blame anyone, and not looking for a scapegoat. I know exactly what the errors are, and what my weaknesses are.

I know I am afraid to love and that I just can not deal with any situations when I need someone to hold my hand.

No one has tamed me yet.