ALMOST DONE

I am really tired. Mentally. I like studying. But after one month nonstop studying.. always under pressure. exams keep coming. Tiring. Extremly tiring.
I have only 2 exam left. ONLY 2. I can't believe it. I can see the end of the tunnel! Only 2 exam. And only one week.

Me and my friend decided to go to partying after finishing the exams. I guess it'sgonna be Stereo or White Angel. We will find out. We're worth it! sooo much!
And after I finish I will buy my gym ticket. and go to the gym every single day.EVERY SINGLE DAY! And go to Sauna, and just simply recharge myself. My muscles have totally disappeared. aaaaw.... I am so excited about it!!
I guess 4 days. and I will need again to be busy. Now it would be nice to have like 2-3 days off. But since it's just one week left, I can't.

I am planing to take my English exam. It's because I need it in 1,5 year. So I rather take it now. Now im kinda have time. I dont really think it has any sense since it's just a paper, but this is also a 'document' which I need. Fine. I prepare myself.

Yesterday I met with a lovely boy. Well. I didn't meet. I just saw. Not the same. But still. He smiled at me. I smiled back. And it was all. Short but intense emotion explosion! aaaaaw...

get back

The past few days I tried to manage myself. I was studying the wholeday though but yet tried to put myself back in balance. And I did. I lost like 3 kilos, im about to get back my body and lose my extra fat on my tummy, which is awesome since I cn see again my muscles! ( oooh lovelies I missed yoou! )
I eat my old portions, which I know far enough for my body. And the best thing iiis that I dont even feel like eagint more.






And I can announce, Im finally over my crush! I dont care. On my other blog the past 6 month I was kinda saying. "no more post about him" but yet I did. Now I know, it's over. So yeah. it makes me totally happy. You see? Nothing is for ever. All depends on us.


I am invited to London. So sweet! I just totally dont know how to thank. I dont really know if I go or not.
If I get lost. well probably I wouldnt panic, but I would kinda feel sick. This is the only one reason that keeps telling me "dont go". I have to decided as soon as I can. still in the week.

floating thoughts

 I am still alive. I didn't post anything the past week because whenever I felt like posting, I couldn't put into words the way I felt. I could write poem, I could draw and sing. But write down. with simple sentences. With simple orinary words.. it was an impossible task.

Once the avalanche starts, it will be very difficult to stop. But it may be a different story now….

Maybe it's just because of the stress it is easier to lose the ground from under my feet.

I'm confused. I do not know how I feel. Sometimes I love to death, and sometimes have my doubts. Sometimes I feel like the only thing I want is for his attention, and sometimes I feel like I do not need it.

He goes home like everybody else. And the only one thing I can think of that I missed my chance.

I missed, because  I never notice  in time ...my feelings.

Sometimes I could cry and suffer. More boys I get to know,more I'm  realizing. 

I have already written so many poems. English and Hungarian. But I think I have reached a point where I feel, I need to connect my emotions.

Sure. I write my diary.  Since I was 12 years old.

But it's not the same.

I'm thinking maybe if I start to write.... Book. It is not for people, or for friends. Just for myself. Just a personal wish. Nothing more. But maybe I could do this.

I think I might have different life than most people. Maybe I see things differently than others. And maybe I am more harmed than the average person.

This is something that I can not tell to anyone just like that. And I do not want to. But maybe if I would write a book about it, and I write about  what I can’t tell. 

Obviously. It would not be true. In the moment we write down our thoughts. It stops being reality. Instead, it turns into a fiction. 

Where shall I begin? Where to finish? Since it is still ongoing.

What is the most important? What did I learn from it?

I do not blame anyone, and not looking for a scapegoat. I know exactly what the errors are, and what my weaknesses are.

I know I am afraid to love and that I just can not deal with any situations when I need someone to hold my hand.

No one has tamed me yet.

thoughts in pictures

inner power

I have to study quite a lot. But Im not studying all the time. I dont actually know whether im tired or just simple lazy. I often end up thinking. Just about eveything.

I am here. I am studying. I am doing my university. I am going forward. But sometimes I have no clue what the hell I will be doing with 2 diploms in my hands. All I know that I will not stay here.

But the past weeks I just realized how will I be able to leave? I'ts just 1 year that I started here and I found some friends. And I graduate sooner then them. I have only 2 more years. They have still 4 years. And if I stay here another still 2 years I will probably find more reason to stay. Or have a deeper friendships. Or even more?! Before I came here I had no reason to stay. I was free. I knew I would not miss anyone from my past. But now things changed.

And when I move I will have to think of my cat as well. I know it's not a big deal. But I dont want to lose her. If I move, I will put into my garbage (I meant suitcase! god I cried i was so laughing when I reread this post. :)))) ) my clothes, my personal suffs, my diary, my laptop, and my cat. I will not going to go anywhere without this lazy  beautiful squarel-looked bitchy maouw.

I have decided to be motivated again. I dont mean now studies.I mean workouts. The past 2 months I stopped making efforts. I went to gym. That was quiet cozy. But I missed the efforts. If im doing workouts at home Im doing efforts. All my muscles stretch. And I love the feeling when I could die but I m strong and I am not going to give up, and do 40 more pushupsor sit ups or burpees or whatever! It makes me believe in myself as well. My willpower have no limits.

It's actually feels amazing when ppl/friends say, "Timi you are my motivation". When my friend goes jogging every single day. And she started jogging with me from scratch. And now she's getting ready for the maraton! yes! maraton 42 kms and run around the Balaton!
And when my friend tells me. I did home-workout because you motivates me. Because you do it. You always do it. So I do.

Or when they call me, or msg me, and ask my advice How the hell did I get rid of 20 kilos. Because yes, I was quite fat. Even if now it's not noticable.
Or when my friends say I know you Timi, I know you are a hardworking girl, and you never give up.
It means to me a lot. Whenever I think. I can not do it. Those people appear and gives me strength. All I can say is just... Thank you so much!